King Jaffe Joffer

#116 - Universal Soldier: Day Of Reckoning

So after I watched Rocky IV the other day it put me in the mood for some Dolph Lundgren action and made me nostalgic for Universal Soldier. I knew they’d filmed a straight to DVD sequel that was released on Netflix last year so I thought i’d give it a shot .

• The plot and acting in this movie are absolute dog shit.
• However. It was some of the most entertaining violence I’ve seen in a movie this year. The bone crunching blows and blood spatter is fantastic. There’s a scene at the beginning where this nigga walks in a brothel and goes dumb with a shotgun. It was beautiful to watch. I also love how the fight scenes weren’t like those bullshit kung-fu movies where niggas are jumping 15 feet in the air and running sideways on the wall. I don’t like those kinds of fight scenes. I want to see two men with their feet on the ground throwing haymakers until someone dies. 
• The poster for this movie was a complete bait & switch. Jean Claude and Dolph are barely in this movie at all. They probably have 15-20 minutes of screen time between them in a 2 hour film. 

If you’re in the market for a mindless action film that offers nothing else, then I would recommend this. 

Rating: 5.5 out of 10

#-115 - Rocky IV

• Brigitte Nielsen used to be hella pretty
• I REALLY love 80’s movie music montages. This movie had at least 4-5 music montages and they were great. They really need to bring that element of film making back for your boy. 
• I love boxing but I hate watching Boxing in movies because its always extremely unrealistic. Dudes taking 20 unanswered punches to the dome and the ref doesn’t call it. And there is no sign of defense… ever. 
• Ivan Drago fell just short of reaching Realest Nigga In Movie History consideration. When Apollo Creed was just laying there on the mat taking his last breaths on Earth. This nigga Drago looked down at his lifeless carcass and said, “if he dies… he dies”. 

• He was completely indifferent and wanted to go eat a Russian strudel with some vodka, or whatever the fuck they eat. but then at the end of the movie he turned into a pussy and started doing all that sportsmanship bullshit and being a good guy. 

Rating: 7.8 out of 10

#113 & 114 - The Hangover III and Friday The 13th

So a pretty good copy of Hangover 3 ended up leaking so I figured I would go ahead and check it out since I was kind of interested. As expected, it was nowhere near as funny as the original but it was on par with the last one. The joke has pretty much run its course at this point but it was decent, I can’t shit on it that much when it gave me more or less what I expected. 

Rating: 6.5 out of 10

This movie was fucking terrible. Part of the terribleness is excused because it was 1980 and the horror genre hadn’t reached its full potential yet, but there was almost nothing entertaining about it. 

The most laughable part of the movie was this old guy who wanted to warn the kids at the cabin that they were in danger. Instead of showing up like a normal person saying, “Yo, there’s some crazy shit going down here so I advise you guys to vacate the premises”.

This nigga rides his bike 20 miles to their camp, sneaks into the cabin kitchen, HIDES IN THE FUCKING PANTRY, then waits until they start cooking and jumps out of the pantry like, “I am God’s messenger, and you are all in danger”. 

Naturally they told that old nigga to beat it, and they stayed there and got they white asses kilt. 

That old guy rode his bike 20 miles to do that, the ride had to be at least an hour long, and then another hour riding his old ass back home.

You really have to work on your communication tactics my nigga

Rating: 5 out of 10

#112 - Child’s Play 2

They don’t make good horror movies like this anymore. Chucky is only second to Freddy Kruger when it comes to funny one-liners before he kills someone. Freddy was more witty and stylish, Chucky chose to go with no nonsense battle cries, “YOU STUPID BITCH!!!” **slash slash chop chop stab**

This wasn’t as good as the original Child’s Play but its still good. I can’t wait for the new one to come out later this year. I used to be so scared of chucky as a kid I pissed myself at night cause I thought he’d be hiding in the bathroom. 

Rating: 8 out of 10

#111 - Exam

(recommended by iamthegarebear)

Keeping in line with my recent tastes in movies, I decided to watch another character driven film with people trapped in a confined space. I’m starting to think most movies like these tend to be indie / B-movies because the public at large just aren’t going to pay high ticket prices to see folks sit in a room talking for 90 minutes. 

Even that excellent movie with Tommy Lee Jones and Samuel L. Jackson “The Sunset Limited” was aired on HBO instead of going to theaters. Two weeks ago I heard multiple people on Tumblr mention that After Earth did poorly at the box office because nobody wants to see a movie where there are only two actors. It really was something I’d never even considered before. That’s not even something I notice when choosing whether or not to watch. 

I’m way off topic though. 

I really liked this movie but I would only recommend it if you can tolerate mild-mystery films with little action. I thought the ending was good but not great…. maybe even a smidge cheesy. It’s worth watching if you’re bored. 

Rating: 6.9 out of 10

#110 - Cube Zero

This movie is pure ASS. 

Since I love Cube so much I figured I’d go check out the prequel to get more information on the back story. Terrible acting. Terrible Everything.

Rating: 4 out of 10

The only positive thing that came out of watching this is I started to Google around and search for other movies that have similar premises to Cube and ended up watching an old episode of The Twilight Zone that was the inspiration for the Cube movie.  

I also found a Japanese movie about a guy trapped in a room called “Symbol” but I can’t find a download with English subtitles. 

I’m also going to watch “Exam” that was recommended to me by someone on Tumblr. 

I’ve never really thought about why but I loved movies where people are trapped places. I even liked that movie where Ryan Reynolds was buried in a casket the whole damned movie. Or the one where the guy got stuck hiking and had to cut off his own arm. 

And Open Water part 2 where those white people jumped off their yacht and spent the entire movie trying to climb back on the boat. 

#109 - Cube

This could very well be my favorite B-Movie of all time. I caught it for the first time on the Sci-Fi channel like 12 years ago and it blew my mind. It’s a mystery/mild-horror movie about 5 strangers who wake up locked in a maze-like cube filled with dozens of rooms and they’re trying to find their way out. Most of the rooms are booby-trapped with death instruments. 

I hadn’t seen this since the early 2000s, so I thought I’d watch it again to see if it still holds up after all this time. The acting is a little cheesy, the CGI is dated, but I’m still fascinated by the concept. 

I’m going to watch one of the sequels next (which are considerably less quality than this one)

Rating: 7.6 (admitting I could be influenced by nostalgia)

#108 - Six Degrees Of Separation

Fantastic movie. 

It’s easy to forget that Will Smith can act his ass off when you’re only looking at his big budget movies as a reference point. His character had a few different interesting layers and in the end I wasn’t quite sure if he was crazy or just so entrenched in his lies that he didn’t know where reality and fantasy ended and began.

After reading the wikipedia page of the guy this movie is based on, I think he may have had some deep psychological issues that needed addressing.

Rating: 8.2 out of 10

#107 - The Purge

If you are willing to accept this film for what it is, then you will definitely enjoy it. It’s not quite a B-movie and its not quite a Hollywood grade thriller film….. it lies somewhere in between the two. 

What I will say that some of the criticism this film received about being nothing more than a thinly veiled appeal to white people who are scared of the poor (read: minorities) coming to “get them” was off the mark. This movie was self-aware in that respect and addressed the issue. Can’t say any more than that without spoiling it. 

One theme you’ll be familiar with in horror/thriller is

DUMB.
ASS.
WHITE.
PEOPLE.

making stupid mistakes that nobody else would ever do in real life.

It almost ruined the movie… but it didn’t. 

This was pretty decent. It’s worth watching but I’m on the fence on whether you should pay to go see it. You won’t be disappointed but you probably won’t be blown away either. 

Rating: 7.1 out of 10

#106 - The Wild and Wonderful Whites of West Virginia

Fucking hillbillies, man. 

This documentary was about a family of uneducated, toothless, criminal drains on society. I felt so sorry for all of the children who have little to no chance of leading any kind of life of substance or contribute anything positive to the world because from the moment they are born they’re taught to emulate the sorry excuse for humans in their family. 

I really don’t know much about West Virginia but the stereotypes I did have in my head were matched and exceeded by what I saw here. One can only wonder how much time the film editors spent removing all of the racist comments they made. 

While this family is certainly a piece of shit… the documentary was very entertaining to watch. You should catch it on netflix if you haven’t already.

Rating: 7 out of 10

#105 - The Intouchables

Not gonna lie, when I saw this movie poster plus I read the two sentence synopsis I was like “… this is about to be some corny bullshit”.  Especially since I watched that other French movie yesterday that turned out to be boring as hell. 

But to my surprise, this was actually very entertaining and although it wasn’t a comedy movie per se, it was filled with my kind of humor. It’s about this Black dude trying to get on welfare but instead he gets a job taking care of this white dude who is paralyzed. 

Some of the typical “fish out of water” jokes are present but overall it felt pretty fresh and largely stayed away from the forced requisite ~touching moments~

Rating: 7.7 out of 10

#104 - La Haine

Oh my God this movie bored me to tears. To me, it was just three guys shouting over each other for two hours being dickheads. 

But rather than make a blog post bashing it for not being my cup of tea, I decided to Google around to see if I can understand why this movie is so highly regarded and how the point of the film had flown over my head without me “getting it”. Apparently it was a big deal in France and some people regard it as the “most important film of their time”. 

Maybe It’s like the Boyz In The Hood of French cinema. I’m gonna let them cook but as far as my personal tastes are concerned…. I could not get jiggy with this movie. 

I’m going to chalk it up to cultural differences. 

Rating: 5 out of 10

#103 - The Big Lebowski

So it ends. 

I am the last person on Earth to see The Big Lebowski. Throughout the entire movie the thing that most jumped out at me is that it seems like a “grownup” version of Napoleon Dynamite. I’m aware this was released first but I find the tone and style of both films to be remarkably similar. 

That scene with Donny’s ashes was fucking hilarious. I laughed so hard I almost had tears in my eyes. That scene alone made the entire movie worth it. 

#102 - 2001: A Space Odyssey

Outside of Blaxploitation fare, I avoid watching movies made before 1980 as much as I possibly can. The bad voice dubbing, the shitty effects, the unfortunate image quality…… meh. I know I shouldn’t let that get in the way of a good story but I have. 

But despite all of that, I know this is a highly regarded film that I’d never seen before so I thought it would be cool for me to give it a shot and see what I thought. And because I’m not familiar with the plot whatsoever, it’s almost like I’m viewing this in a vacuum and It’d be cool to see if it holds up to a fairly unbiased viewer in 2013

The first two acts had me extremely unsure of whether or not I’d made a mistake, but the 3rd part is where I got sucked into the story and invested myself. I was cursing HAL for being such an arrogant son of a bitch. 

I also peeped how Contact completely ripped off their wormhole scene from 2001. 

This was an interesting movie, but I fear the lack of dialogue would alienate most people. I also wasn’t a fan of the ambiguous ending. I need to know what shit means. 

Rating: 7.2 out of 10

#101 - Goodfellas

I hadn’t seen this movie in so long I barely remembered anything about the plot or how it ended. The funnest part of watching old gangster movies is inadvertently stumbling across multiple scenes that rappers have ripped off, I believe I wrote something similar in my review of The Untouchables earlier this year. 

As far as Scorcese’s gangster films are concerned, I still prefer Casino to Goodfellas. It has a better story, better performances, better ending and more violence. Although I put this behind The Godfather, Casino and The Departed I definitely think its better than The Untouchables. 

This has put me in a mood to watch more gangster films though, I think I may do once upon a time in America next. 

Rating: 8.3 out of 10