The Realest Niggas In Movie History Vol. 20 - Chong Li

image

Movie: Bloodsport

"you break my record, now I break you like I break your friend"

Out of all the super cheesy American martial arts movies that were released in the late 80s and early 90s (best of the best, only the strong, American ninja) Bloodsport reigns supreme as the flagship film. Within 60 seconds of the movie starting, you see a Black guy crawling on all fours like a monkey, climbing a tree and karate chopping a coconut with his bare hand…. the casual racism lets you know something special is on the horizon. That something is Bolo Yeung aka Chong Li, aka the realest karate nigga not named Bruce Li. Most of these martial artists entered the Kumite tournament for bullshit reasons like honor, courage, and tradition. Fuck that noise, Chong Li was there for the sole intent of killing, maiming, and cheating. It wasn’t enough to simply win a match, he had to mutilate his opponent to feel good about himself.

We salute you, Bolo.

Real Nigga Rundown

1. Punched through a 2 feet solid block of ice
2. Killed two opponents during live matches and apathetically watched them die
3. Put that lil Asian dude to sleep in 14 seconds
4. Curb stomped Jean Claude Van Damme’s best friend
5. He Chinese but he got nigga lips (pause).

Previous Entries

The Realest Niggas In Movie History Vol. 1 - Principal Joe Clark

imapervert:

image

Movie: Lean On Me
“They used to call me Crazy Joe, now they call me Batman”

It’s only fitting that the inaugural edition of RNIMH kicks off with someone inspired by a real life person. There have been tons of movies set in inner city schools (The Principal, Dangerous Minds), but Morgan Freeman (who was halfway on his journey to becoming God anyways), laid the smack down on those bad ass kids.

Real Nigga Rundown:

1. Told the fat kid to jump off the roof for smoking crack
2. Beat a drug dealer’s ass with a megaphone
3. Suspended the football coach for being wack
4. Walked around with a bat
5. Went to jail 

Cite Arrow reblogged from imapervert
The Realest Niggas In Movie History Vol. 3 - O-Dog

imapervert:

image

Movie: Menace II Society

O-Dog was the craziest nigga alive. America’s nightmare. Young, black, and didn’t give a fuck.”

May go down as the craziest nigga in hood movie history (with competition from a few others, we’ll get to them later). Had absolutely no qualms with murdering someone in broad daylight for the smallest infractions. Larenz Tate eventually went on to squander all his real nigga cred by making “Love Jones”. Not even Dead Presidents could save him after that. 

Real Nigga Rundown:

1. Comtemplated selling evidence of murder for $59.95
2. Revolutionized the phrase, “YOU ACTIN LIKE A LIL BITCH RIGHT NOW!!”
3. Killed those niggas that killed Caine’s cousin Harold
4. Killed a crackhead who offered to suck his dick
5. Made me want to get braids in elementary school (mom said no)

Cite Arrow reblogged from imapervert
The Realest Niggas In Movie History Vol. 2 - Pai Mei

imapervert:

image

Movie: Kill Bill Vol. 2


“He hates Caucasians, despises Americans, and has nothing but contempt for women”

If you’ve seen Kill Bill (and there’s no acceptable reason for you to have NOT seen this movie), then you already know why Pai Mei is one of the realest niggas ever. This dude was like 150 years old, and lived in complete seclusion in the middle of the mountains for the simple fact that he couldn’t stand other people. He may have hated Americans, but in reality he was racist against everyone equally, he hated the Japanese also.

Not only was Uma Thurman a woman, but she was a white woman, so that was twice the reason for him to beat the shit out of her…. which he did. 

Real Nigga Rundown:

1. The beard flip. 
2. Could punch through a 2 foot solid log of wood.
3. Snatched a bitches eye out of the socket for talking greasy
4. Hated everyone equally.
5. Knew how to make someones heart explode by touching them in 5 points

Cite Arrow reblogged from imapervert
The Realest Niggas In Movie History Vol. 4 - The Guy On The Couch

imapervert:

image

Movie: Half Baked

Most Americans go through life conforming to social norms like getting a job, starting a family, and showering regularly. The guy on the couch made the courageous decision to tell society to go fuck itself. He was no regular stoner like Thurgood and the gang who held down regular jobs, this nigga lived his entire life in a manner that makes most of us green with envy. He was so much of a stoner he couldn’t even be bothered to smoke half the time. 

Real Nigga Rundown:

1. Unconscious between 90-100% of his adult life. #Winning
2. Slept through the assassination of a Rottweiler
3. Got free weed
4. Didn’t pay rent
5. Slept from January to August without realizing it

Cite Arrow reblogged from imapervert
The Realest Niggas In Movie History Vol. 5 - Nino Brown

imapervert:

Movie: New Jack City

“Cancel that bitch, I’ll buy a new one”

Nino wasn’t your run of the mill drug lord, this nigga had so much style and swag to go along with his unflinching ruthlessness. He was crazy like O-Dog but smart enough to create a criminal enterprise and make money. Nino was also resourceful, when his empire crumbled at the end of the movie… he used his pitch black BP oil spill colored skin to hide in the shadows like a chameleon and kill that asian cop.

Real Nigga Rundown:

1. Killed his own brother and Ice-T’s mother
2. Stabbed Christopher Williams in the hand because he was lightskinned and pretty
3. “Sitcho five dollar ass down before I make change!!!!”
4. Used little girls as human shields during a gunfight
5. Wiped out the Italian mafia as revenge

Cite Arrow reblogged from imapervert
The Realest Niggas In Movie History Vol. 6 - Bryan Mills

imapervert:

image

Movie: Taken

“I will look for you, I will find you, and I will kill you.”

This movie really should have been called, ‘My Cunt Ex-Wife Got Our Daughter Kidnapped And Expected Me To Fix It”. Liam Neeson killed a lot of people in this movie, but I know I’m not the only one who thought his wife should have been put in the dirt too. 

Liam Neeson is like Rambo, but he didn’t bother going in the middle of the jungle to peel a nigga’s cap. He was so focused while putting in work too. You had exactly 10 seconds to tell him what he wanted, or he was going to maim the fuck out of you. It was brilliant.

Real Nigga Rundown:

1. Shot an innocent woman to prove a point

2. Tortured his daughters kidnapper with a nigga-rigged electric chair

3. Was handcuffed to a pipe, unarmed, surrounded by 4 men and somehow managed to escape and kill every last one of them in a matter of 60 seconds.

4. When he found the dead body of his daughter’s best friend, he didn’t even call her parents, he just left her corpse on the bed and went about his business. Bitch shouldn’t have got his daughter in trouble.

5. Somehow killed upwards of 30 people in France and was able to fly home on a commercial airline with no problem whatsoever. 

Cite Arrow reblogged from imapervert
The Realest Niggas In Movie History Vol. 7 - Miss Sofia

imapervert:

image

Movie: The Color Purple

“I loves Harpo, God knows I do. But I’ll kill him dead ‘fo I let him beat me.”

Oprah in the color purple was several southern black woman stereotypes rolled into one. She had a smart mouth, she was strong as an ox, and had a big tank ass…. and best of all… she didn’t take no shit from anyone. Sofia embodied what it means to be one of the RNIMH because she did everything by her own rules.

Real Nigga Rundown:

1. She was a black woman in the south before the civil rights era, but never let anyone tell her what to do. 
2. Whipped a white sheriff’s ass in the middle of the street
3. Did her time in prison like a champ
4. Whipped that light skinned girls ass in the jook joint 
5. Could legitimately win against her husband in a fistfight

Cite Arrow reblogged from imapervert
The Realest Niggas In Movie History Vol. 8 - The Bear Jew

imapervert:

image

Movie: Inglourious Basterds

“We got a German here who wants to die for his country. Oblige him.”

Every oppressed group has a hero they can look up to. Blacks looked up to Harriet Tubman and Nat Turner, who resisted whites during slavery. Mexicans can look up to Pancho Villa who kicked ass in the Mexican Revolution. But when you bring up the holocaust, most people think of Anne Frank… who hid in an attic to save her life. That’s not gangsta.

Enter The Bear Jew. 

This mutherfucker scalped Nazi soldiers for a living. He didn’t just kill them… he tortured them, brutalized them, and sent waves of terror through Hitler’s personal army. 

Real Nigga Rundown:

1. HIS NAME IS THE FUCKING BEAR JEW. 
2. Bashed Nazi skulls in with a baseball bat 
3. Personally pumped about 200 bullets into Adolf Hitler’s face
4. Committed suicide to kill high ranking Nazi party members 
5. Has a Tumblr page dedicated to how great he is

Cite Arrow reblogged from imapervert
The Realest Niggas In Movie History Vol. 9 - Rorschach

imapervert:

image

Movie: Watchmen

“all the whores and politicians will look up and shout “Save us!”… and I’ll whisper “no.”

Rorschach didn’t care about following rules, he didn’t care about how he appeared to other people, and he wasn’t interested in politics… he only cared about laying down the fucking law. If you were a criminal who needed to be dealt with, Rorschach was going to find you and split your wig in half. 

You know the Rick Ross song “Free Mason”, that had everyone walking around reciting the lines, “I’ll go to the grave before I’ll be a bitch nigga”.

Well Rorshach embodied that line. Because when Dr. Manhattan told him that he had to stay quiet, and he would kill him unless he complied. Rorshach said, “Who gone check me, boo?”…. and was promptly disposed of. 

Real Nigga Rundown:

1. Killed a midget and flushed him down a toilet in 7 seconds. 
2. Ate beans out of a can without heating them up first.
3. Split a child molesters skull in half with a meat cleaver
4. His mask was one of the coolest things in recent movie history 
5. Shortly after being sent to jail, he immediately crippled two men and yelled, ” I’m not locked in here with you. You’re locked in here with ME

Cite Arrow reblogged from imapervert
The Realest Niggas In Movie History Vol. 10 - Cleo

imapervert:

image

Movie: Set It Off

“Now shut up before I stick that mop up your ass, Luther”

Cleo, the role Queen Latifah played so good that she inadvertently outed herself as a lesbian. She embodied what it meant to be hood rich, as soon as she got a little money… she told her boss to go fuck himself, tricked out her convertible, bought her hot girlfriend lingerie, and spent the rest of her time getting high and fucking. 

She would rather rob banks than be broke, and would rather die than go to jail. That’s some rebel shit.

Real Nigga Rundown:

1. Avenged TT’s death by going rambo on the bank guards
2. When staring in the face of death, she took a break to smoke a newport and hit switches on her lowrider. 
3. She went out like Scarface, spraying a machine gun at the cops. 
4. Played chicken with a police helicopter and won
5. Her girlfriend looked like Amber Rose before Amber Rose did

Cite Arrow reblogged from imapervert
The Realest Niggas In Movie History Vol. 11 - Esther

imapervert:

image

Movie: Orphan

“I’ll cut your hairless little prick off before you even figure out what it’s for. Do you understand me?”

There have been lots of movies in the “demented little kid” genre, but none of them were complete fucking psychos with style like little Esther. Instead of going through life and being regarded as a freak because of her growth disorder, she decided to pretend she was a child and ruin other people’s lives until she died. I can respect that. 

Esther didn’t give a shit who you were, man, woman, child, servant of God… she’d slit your throat and go grab a coloring book like nothing happened. 

Real Nigga Rundown:

1. Killed a nun with a hammer
2. Smothered a little boy with a pillow
3. Killed her adopted father for not having sex with her 
4. Slayed a family of four and burned down the house
5. Was a horny little bitch

Cite Arrow reblogged from imapervert
The Realest Niggas In Movie History Vol. 12 - Chaka Luther King

imapervert:

image

Movie: Jay & Silent Bob Strike Back

“I have more white women in my trailer than the first lifeboat on the Titanic, and they all want a part in my movie. And I got just the part for em…”

Let me explain something to y’all. Chaka Luther King only appeared in this movie for THREE MINUTES. All he needed was 180 seconds on screen and he delivered the best cameo in movie history. Chaka was a blindingly racist movie director who despised white people and sought to make their lives a living hell.  

When your name is a mix of Shaka Zulu and Martin Luther King, you have to bring the muthafuckin ruckus when you walk in the building. And that’s exactly what he did.

Real Nigga Rundown:

1. Could smell white people even if he couldn’t see them
2. Originally wanted to call Sesame Street “Niggaz With Puppets”
3. Knew when white people put boogers in his coffee
4. Referred to all white people as “crackaz”
5. Had sex with white women as an act of revenge

Cite Arrow reblogged from imapervert
The Realest Niggas In Movie History Vol. 13 - Lil Ze

imapervert:

image

Movie: City Of God

“Where do you want to take the shot? In the hand or in the foot?”

He is easily the most sadistic person in the short history of RNIMH. Esther had the excuse of being born with a deformity that could have drove her to madness. There was nothing wrong with Lil Ze, other than the fact that he was a sociopath that started murdering people in his childhood for no good reason whatsoever.

Real Nigga Rundown:

1. Massacred a staff of hotel maids before he hit puberty
2. Killed older boys who picked on him during childhood
3. He didn’t kill his rival, instead he raped his girlfriend
4. Ran the local drug trade
5. Shot a five year old in the foot, and then made another little kid murder his friend. 

Cite Arrow reblogged from imapervert
The Realest Niggas In Movie History Vol. 14 - Willie

imapervert:

image

Movie: Bad Santa

“You ain’t gonna shit right for a week”

Billy Bob Thornton’s portrayal of Willie aka Bad Santa was the epitome of “Not a single fuck shall be given today”. All he wanted was alcohol, money, and pussy… and he didn’t want to give any effort into getting either one of them… so he didn’t. 

Real Nigga Rundown:

1. Fucked a woman in the ass in a dept. store dressing room

Read More

Cite Arrow reblogged from imapervert